Much of the advertising on golf broadcasts and in magazines already gives the older guys medicinal “advice” for a playing around with a woman, but I’m focusing on playing a round of golf with a woman. And while many of the younger men already seem to have a handle on it *ahem* and I’m targeting this discussion towards the less evolved individuals of the older generations, there are some young lads who have picked up on certain behaviors from the adult males in their worlds and should also have a read.

The main premise of it all is: She’s a golfer, just like anyone else you play with.

The golf game itself

When it comes to her game, there is no need to offer unsolicited pointers. Just like anyone else, she’ll ask if she’s interested. And, just like anyone else, she may know more or less about rules and etiquette than you do. Don’t assume she needs your advice in this area. Just like anyone else, she’ll ask if she wants confirmation that the drop she’s taking is correct. And, just like anyone else, it will be obvious if she is an inconsiderate playing partner. Would you correct a man in that situation or just complain about it with your buddy and never invite them to play with you again (or hope you never get paired up with someone like that again)? Don’t alter your behavior by condescending to her just because she’s a woman. She’s just another golfer; some you enjoy playing with and some you don’t.

Standard behaviors and civility

Think about all the rounds you’ve played with all the different men and their individual styles. Your behavior adapts to certain situations, doesn’t it? No difference here. You might tone down your antics if you played with an esteemed colleague. Think how your behavior would change if you were lucky enough to play with Tiger Woods. You might enjoy a rare cigar if you played with a sales prospect who happens to bust some out. The point is, you’re already applying the following simple guidelines when it comes to playing with different people. If you’re not already applying them to women as well, why not?

1. Assess the delicacy of the situation

When you’re playing with your usual group, you know those personalities and what is acceptable or what is not. When people play together for the first time, it’s courteous for both parties to act in a civil manner and not use foul language. The default setting in golf (and in life) should be polite. Golfers understand that bad shots can cause spontaneous reactions and you’ll be able to take cues from such outbursts or reactions to them to establish one another’s comfort level with language. A woman may have a fouler mouth than you and should be equally attentive to your preferences.

2. Treat the person like a human being who happens to play golf: with respect

If men play from different sets of tees, they still treat each other with respect and appropriate etiquette on the tees. If a woman plays from the forward tees, have the courtesy to give her the same. She may have to trek up 20 yards to tee up, but she can still hear and see you as you fiddle with your clubs or carts and talk about your shots. And just like your buddies, she’d appreciate another set of eyes tracking her ball as well. Also, if you’re riding in golf carts, please remember to always stop at the forward tees if she’s playing from there. You may be excited to go find your golf ball but there’s still another golfer who needs to tee off. If you were all playing from the back tees, you wouldn’t drive off before the last golfer took her shot.

Don’t treat her like being a woman is a handicap (even if you think it is). Just like any other golfer, she may be more or less skilled than you. Women are generally more realistic about their skill level than men and will play from the appropriate length. Whether or not she plays from there, calling the forward tees “the ladies tees” implies that all women should be required to play from that length no matter their skill or distance and is degrading. Plus, it only further cements your unwillingness to play from there even if you should. And if you should, she knows it. She has choices just like you, and if she doesn’t want to sit in the “back of the bus,” she doesn’t have to. If she’s old fashioned or otherwise not offended by this, you should still behave as if it would. It’s a good habit to adopt.

Don’t talk about how important it is to you that your final score be better than hers (even if that’s how you feel). Being a man doesn’t entitle you to play better than she does. Story time:

I played with an older gentleman who thought it was appropriate to keep mentioning how all he wanted to do was score better than I did. Throughout his long life, he never played passionately or developed his game, and only played occasional rounds over the years. He should have been playing from the forward tees, he took (we gave him) all the mulligans he needed to maintain a modicum of pride, and as we kept score, we were quite generous. Even with all of that, he still couldn’t have bested my legitimate score but kept the delusion alive and out loud. Being fond of this man and knowing his style (his position in life has him accustomed to “yes men”), I finally told him that even “if” he didn’t beat me, we’d be sure to tell him he did. He laughed, and was duly appeased. Without that fondness and established relationship, had that behavior come from anyone else, I would have reached a breaking point, unleashed, and brought him down to size.

The point is, no matter how good you are (or think you are) you’re not entitled to play better than anyone else because of their gender any more than you are because of their race or religion. Would you assume you could beat someone just because they’re Latino or Jewish? And if you actually would, would you say so? And if you would, would you please not go out in public?

The vast majority of the men I’ve played with are polite and respectful and don’t need these guidelines. But for those who do, you know who you are. And I can only hope you’ll pay attention. And I’ll leave it at that for now. Yes, it turned into a little of a rant there, but what can I say? I’ve gots me passionate opinions.

Next post.