In a shocking move today, Major League Baseball announced that beginning next season, they will use no umpires.
The umpires weren’t planning a strike. No, this announcement comes on the heels of the Mitchell Report being released. Even though officials are refuting several names on the list of players identified to have taken steroids, the MLB commish has been in private meetings all month coming up with this controversial plan. In a press conference later today, Bud Selig is expected to say “…people trust golfers because they call their own strikes, so to speak. We need the fans to start trusting us again.”
Golfers are pure, even angelic
Indeed. Golfers would never take performance enhancing substances. It goes against the integrity of the game and the honest nature of each and every player. The game’s rules are policed by the players themselves, so all that’s required to make sure they don’t take drugs is to make it a rule. Forget testing, these players will be just as responsible for this as they are for adding their own penalty stroke when they take a drop out of a hazard. No wonder baseball wants to be more like golf.
Here’s a scenario
I can see it now: Clemens throws a 98 mph heater (okay, make that 91) that sails by Miguel Tejada, who doesn’t even flinch. It was a close one, and the crowd goes quiet for a moment. Clemens shrugs and says “Nah, I missed it. That was a hair inside.” Tejada says “No way, man. You got me there.” They begin to argue, each one wanting to give up a call to the other side to gain the fans’ trust and the situation escalates into an all-out, bench clearing, steroid-rage-filled brawl. When the dust settles and several players are rushed to the hospital, eight of the men left standing eject themselves from the game for fighting and the skeleton crew left on the field tries it all again.
Hmmm… perhaps this scenario didn’t come up in Selig’s meetings.
You can read the real story here.
P.S. Greg, I told you pitchers (specifically Clemens) were knee deep in this. Actually, didn’t we bet on it?
Marijuana is a performance enhancer? In golf? Really?
When the LPGA Tour begins its random drug testing next year, one of the substances they’ll be looking for is regular old herb – mary-jane – pot – weed – motivation – whatever you want to call it. I think I’m going to start calling it cannabinoid (’cause it’s fun to say). It’s number 7 on the list:
7. Cannabinoids
The LPGA prohibits the use of cannabinoids (e.g. marijuana), which are considered to be performance enhancing when administered to induce a perceived calming effect.
Okay, let’s see here…
First of all, what if a “perceived calming effect” isn’t why it’s – ahem – administered?
Second, I don’t know about you but I’ve witnessed golfers hitting the pipe on the course (this is Southern California after all) and the effect may indeed be calming but certainly not performance-enhancing. I’m sure a “calming effect” is much more important at that level of competition than to the recreational
smokergolfer, but it seems to me that it would hurt more than it would help.Based on my… research… a better reason to ban cannabinoids on tour is to prevent slow play. Seriously. Ever seen a stoned golfer deliberate over a putt?