The Golfchick

That chick blabbing about anything golf related.

Tag: golf (page 1 of 5)

Say No to Five Hour Rounds!

I can’t understand why everyone doesn’t play golf, but even more than that I don’t understand why some people that do play have no idea how to navigate a golf course. I don’t like five hour rounds. Correction – I hate five hour rounds. I’ve never heard anyone say “That round was way too fast. We need to slow down next time.”

All too often while waiting on the tee I see two carts sitting side by side up ahead. Three of the guys are sitting in the carts, one is on his phone, and one is telling the other guy about the birdie he made on this hole in ‘96 or ‘97. The 4th guy is standing next to his drive doing his best Tiger Woods grass toss, trying to figure out how this 2mph wind is going to affect his upcoming bladed 5 iron. Having decided it’s a two club, wind he pulls the 7. Now the fun begins: practice swing, practice swing, practice swing… no, wait. He’s only 210 out, 2mph downwind. It’s got to be the 8 – he saw Bubba hit this exact shot last week. The fact that he just ripped his driver 190 never enters his mind. Four more practice swings, this time with the 8, then pures it 70 yards. Still not out of our landing area, but on to player #2 where the show begins again then again and one more time. Unless the 2 players in one of the carts are women. Most women hit it then hit it again until they get to the green where they are lining up their putts while watching their husbands toss grass in the air.

Golf is hard, playing golf doesn’t have to be. Golf is a game where you police yourself and call penalties on yourself. Only you can speed up play – unless you are scared of those 90 year old volunteer rangers that most courses use now.

Here are a few easy things that everyone can do to make golf more enjoyable for everybody.

1. Play the right tees. Most scorecards have recommended tees based on handicaps. A better way may be to look at the holes on the card. You should be able to comfortably hit a 6 iron or less to most of the par 3’s and 4’s.

2. Practice on the range, play golf on the course. The only time I take practice swings on the course is when I’m trying to stay loose because I’m waiting, I have a difficult stance or lie, on chips to get a feel for the lie, or if I’m trying to hit a big draw or fade. Three or four practice swings on every shot just wastes time and wears you out.

3. If you’re the longer hitter in your cart, walk to your ball and get ready to hit while your partner is getting ready. Take a couple clubs with you; twenty seconds after your partner hits you should be pulling the trigger. Even if you grabbed the wrong clubs he can drive over and you’re ready to go.

4. Unless you’re playing in a tournament, play ready golf. Common decency tells you an eagle or birdie has honors, but any other time, hit at will. Same goes for around the green. If you have a 50+ foot putt and no one has made it to the flag to tend it, putt it if you’re ready. Chances are it’s not going in. If it does and you’re playing a friendly round, nobody’s going to make you take that penalty.

5. Be aware of your surroundings. Park the cart on the path at the back of the green. If you brought a club with you to chip, lay it at the back of the green after your chip so you can pick it up on your walk back to the cart. Start lining up your putt and fixing ball marks while others are putting as long as you can stay out of their line.

6. Write the scores down on the way to the next tee. No eagles or birdies? Grab your club and swing away.

*This post is a section taken from my “bio page” which is here.

Editor’s note: I had a discussion with some people on twitter yesterday after a 5+ hour round. Here are some ideas we threw around:

Golf courses – offer green fee discounts to people who play in less than 4 hours. Perhaps in rebate form, or in discount on their next round.

Public/private courses with members who don’t pay green fees? Maybe a discount on monthly minimums. Or, how about a rewards program/points card. Every time they play in less than four hours they get points towards money to spend in the pro shop.

Any course – Use your marshals to move people along! Also, implement a “wall of shame,” on which you display photos of players who take more than 5 hours a round.

But, since golf courses are like highways and one slow group causes a traffic jam, only penalize the first group that fell behind. This one’s tricky because you’d need a marshal out there to identify the offenders. And if he’s out there and didn’t speed them up – he’s the one who should be penalized! Offer a drink or something to the groups whose rounds were miserable behind them.

Other ideas? Please share in the comments! :) – Kristen @thegolfchick

 

2015 US Open. Spiethtacular!

Wow, what a US Open Sunday! To celebrate this Major Sunday, we played golf early to beat the heat, but it was still 106 by the time we finished at 10:30. Then we watched 7+ hours of the final round. Think I’m feeling a bit of a US Open hangover now. A little battered.

The golf was so fun to watch despite the atrocious coverage by Fox. There was a lot of criticism of the course set up and the greens, but Chambers Bay is definitely on my must play list. It was brutal how Dustin Johnson three putted that last hole to lose, but they say the last three holes make your score what it was supposed to be. Guessing his “hangover” hurts slightly more than mine.

So happy for Jordan Spieth. I picked him to win and rooted for him the whole way. What an amazing player and all around “kid.” Whatever his secret formula is for majors, I hope it keeps working!

He and other young, exciting players are probably bringing in new fans to watch – and play. I’m wondering if someone had just tuned into this US Open and saw their first golf event – was Fox as disturbingly bad to them? Or do they not know any better – that they should be seeing live golf shots instead of produced segments or scenery footage, then replays of shots. That the announcers were laughably bad and had no golf knowledge, just talking points. That they should focus on the golf and the players more than themselves. They even talked over Jordan when he was accepting his trophy. So unprofessional.  I mean, in my opinion, it was just terrible! What did you think?

2014 Masters Pin Flag Giveaway

Who wants a 2014 Masters Embroidered Golf Pin Flag from Augusta National? I know I do! And here’s your chance to win one!

As you may have noticed, this blog has not exactly been active lately. I’ve been planning to get back to it but sadly it’s taken a back seat to some other endeavors lately. With my excitement over The Masters, I figured I’d take this opportunity to jumpstart those plans. Giveaways seem like a lame ploy for traffic and comments, but it’s a Masters flag!

The good people at MMOGolf.com are providing the flag to a lucky winner (and one to me – yay!) in exchange for this blog post, some social media promotion and this link to their site: MMOGolf.com

If you like Masters memorabilia, definitely check them out. They have all kinds of great swag from Augusta!
You can also find them on Facebook and Twitter.

How to enter

All you need to do to enter is comment on this blog post with your thoughts about The Masters. It can be anything – why it’s the best major (or not – WHAT?),  what The Masters means to you, a story about your trip there, what you’d give to go watch the tournament or play the course, your prediction of who will win – you get the idea. The comment can be as short or long as you want. Entries must include your email (so I can contact you if you win) and must be received before the last putt sinks at Augusta at the end of Masters Sunday (April 13, 2014). Feel free to leave your twitter handle in the comment, too. You’ll get a shoutout if you win, and maybe even if you don’t. :)

How to win

Well, it’s pretty subjective. You just have to write the post that I and my staff (ahem) like the best.  My friends may weigh in as well. If you’ve been reading this blog or following me on social media for any length of time, you have an advantage because you probably understand what I like and my sense of humor better than someone who doesn’t. I could choose anything from something poignant and lengthy to something quick and dirty that makes me laugh or anywhere in between.

That’s it. We’ll go over the entries and choose a winner after The Masters hangover wears off. I’ll announce the winner here and across my social media accounts, and email the winner directly for shipping information. Good luck, and HAPPY MASTERS WEEK!

Binge, Purge, Repeat, and Enjoy

The official start of spring is only a few days away. Unless, you subscribe to the theories of those witch doctors known as meteorologists. Somehow, in their crazy brains, the start of “meteorological spring” actually occurred on March 1. Those clowns have been pissing me off repeatedly for a few months now, and this is just another example. Anyway, Spring has almost sprung, as the old saying goes. I write these ramblings sitting in my home office looking out my window into my backyard, and as of this writing, only a small pile of snow remains where the sun doesn’t quite yet shine. And there’s some in my yard too.

I call this the season of Hope. In the upper Midwest, where I reside, I subscribe to the theory of 4 seasons, like the rest of the world. However, my seasons are Hope, Summer, Sadness, and Hell. I’ve spent this latest season, Hell (winter), under the spell of my annual coping mechanism, oblivion. Sure I know what’s going on outside, and I deal with that, however when it comes to golf, I shut off my brain. Whether it be thinking about it, writing about it, watching it, or anything else involving it, it’s best I just avoid them all together. As all 4 of my faithful readers know, I’ve been fortunate enough to take a few trips to the desert this year to play a some rounds, and earlier this week I spent 36 holes in 80 degree sunshine in the tropical locale of Kansas City, Missouri. Upon my arrival back home, a dejected, isolationist funk overcame me, once again. That funk led to an epiphany, a way to describe to those not addicted to the wretched game of golf just how I was feeling. And, my lack of motivation to go to the gym this morning is leading me to write about it. So, you, the reader, are benefiting from both my depression and my laziness, how thoughtful of me.

Is there anything more painful to an addict than the occasional hit of a drug, knowing during the entire trip that after coming down from that high the next hit could be weeks, even months away? Is that a reason to celebrate the buzz, or lament its futility? As I review the past few months, the question I continually ask myself, was taking those trips good or bad? Now, even I will acknowledge the memories and friends made on those trips far outweigh the angst of the occasional hit of my chosen drug. But, as far as the psychological impact of these random golf benders, is the binge and purge method really a good one? All doctors, self proclaimed experts, or anyone that stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night will tell you, moderation is the key to happiness. But let’s face it, I don’t do anything half-assed. Except of course exercise, work, cleaning my house, yard work, laundry, cleaning my garage, balancing my checkbook, double checking my taxes…. Well ok, you get the point, I don’t do golf half assed. I also stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last week, so does that make me an expert too?

After much reflection, and a few cups of coffee, I’ve come to a decision. Maybe the binge and purge method isn’t the best method, but it’s the only method I know. I’d much rather have the excitement of an upcoming golf trip to get me through the dark dreary winter days than nothing at all. Like any good addict, I will continue to do anything in my power to feed my addiction. The first step to overcoming an addiction is to admit we are powerless over the drug, and that our lives have become unmanageable.

I admit I’m powerless, but so far I seem to be managing just fine.

Next post.

Las Vegas World Amateur Golf Tournament

Love playing fun, competitive golf? Love Las Vegas?  Me, too!  Several large amateur events happen around the United States each year and now there’s a new kid on the block. I don’t know what took them so long; seems like a natural fit to me. Don’t golfing and gambling just go hand in hand? This year marks the inaugural event of the Las Vegas World Amateur, and I, for one, want to get out and play it!

Bears Best

When I spoke with the event director almost a month ago, they already had promising response, interest and registrations.  The first year of an event like this could be a relatively intimate group but with a location and courses like these, it seems destined to grow into something much bigger.  Why not get in on the ground floor and make it an annual pilgrimage -an excuse to play “winter golf” on a Vegas getaway?

It’s not too late to sign up and make your plans to go! The event is set for February 11-15, 2013. It’s open to all amateur players of all skill levels, so you can even bring your Valentine and make the most of it! Even if I can’t bring a valentine, I have a turbulent love affair with golf so that works for me.

Flighted by gender and handicap, the event has enlisted an incredible array of participating courses, which will be determined based on registration numbers and flights. The courses are:

  • Arroyo Golf Course
  • Badlands Golf Course
  • Bears Best
  • Boulder Creek Golf Club
  • Highland Falls Golf Course
  • Paiute Las Vegas – Sun Mountain Course
  • Palm Valley Golf Course
  • Royal Links Golf Club
  • Siena Golf Course
  • TPC Las Vegas
  • …with the championship round being played on Spanish Trail

The event will have all the trappings of an amateur tournament of this level – receptions, parties, awards dinner – only you can bet on some true Las Vegas flair thrown in. Despite the Vegas golden rule, I’m pretty sure you can take your trophy home if you win.

Check out the Las Vegas World Am website for all the details. See you there?

Next post.

Super Excited for the Fedex Cup. Wait…

I had that entirely wrong. I’m not at all excited for the Fedex Cup. Here’s why…

The final event, The TOUR Championship is being played this week, and will determine the winner of the Cup. If one of the top 5 guys wins, he wins the cup. Beyond that,  I need someone else to run the numbers for me and provide scenarios. What’s the fun in that? Do you think the players just trust the experts to know where they stand? It must be even more frustrating for them. For example, here is the scenario required for Luke Donald to win (produced by the PGA Tour and published in the Fedex Cup breakdown over at golfweek.com):

Now, just to make things even MORE confusing, take a look at the asterisks. Does that mean if those things happen, Luke will be in a tie for the Fedex Cup, and if so, with whom? Or, does that mean the results of the Fedex Cup have to be in before we can determine if he wins the Fedex Cup? My head hurts.

I’ve said Fedex Cup too many Fedexing times.

Remember, all these complicated calculations that we leave in the hands of the experts (and the seemingly arbitrary amount of points they earned in each event that put them in their current rank were determined by the same people) also decide the top 125 players to get their Tour Cards for 2013. Seems to me the Authority have a little too much power in this process. Sure hope they don’t have favorites!

In the spirit of offering solutions rather than just complaints, here’s my own stupid idea I proposed back in 2007.

What do you think of the whole Fedex Cup thing?

Next post.

The slow player, the oblivious, the under-achiever, and the parent.

Lots of things annoy me, I’m just that way.  I’m not sure if its because I think my way is better, or because I think your way is worse.  In fact, everyone annoys me.  Well, not you, but everyone else.  Maybe I shouldn’t say lots of things annoy me, maybe a better way to say it is EVERYTHING annoys me.  Every day, all day, I’m annoyed.  Like many, I spend some hours every day in an office.  Don’t get me started on everything that annoys me in there.  But, like a lot of people, I use the golf course to get away from the world.  Notice I didn’t say relax, because some days, and we all have them, golf just doesn’t seem relaxing.  Sure, every swing, every shot, every hole is an escape from life and without that escape, who knows where I’d be today.  But, when I’m on a golf course, I expect that the idiots that invade my life on a daily basis outside of golf won’t interfere with my life inside of golf.

All too often, I am dead wrong.

The slow player, the oblivious, the under-achiever, and worst of all – the parent.  

The Slow Player:

Most slow players don’t know they’re slow players.  Some do, and they pretend that they are trying to get faster.  Some do, and they frankly don’t give two shits about your opinion, because they’re good enough they think they’re allowed to be slow.  That accounts for about 20% of this annoying category.  Divide the remaining players up, and you’re left with a variety of individuals.  There’s the “I’m really good if I take my time and really focus on this shot, just not on that last shot, because I didn’t take enough time” guy.  85 shots later, he’s still not as good as he thinks he is.  Maybe after that 30 second pre-shot routine, you should have stood over the ball completely motionless for 60 seconds, instead of 45.  Those extra 15 seconds would have made all the difference.  Or, maybe you should have backed off the shot when you thought of all the bad shit that could result from your terrible pass at that poor little ball.  That ball did nothing to deserve being hit like shit, repeatedly, into places Paul Bunyan, Jacques Cousteau, Sir Edmond Hillary, or even that drunk college buddy you used to have would ever consider going into.  Please, for the love of all things holy, explain just what the hell you’re thinking about while you’re standing over the ball.  Does your heart  stop?  Do you stop breathing?  How in the hell can you remain motionless, in your “athletic address position” for so long without falling over?  Don’t your muscles tense up?  Doesn’t your brain stop working?  As my buddy says “What the hell are you worried about?  Just hit the damned ball, its gotta go somewhere!”  Well, I’ve seen you hit the shots, yes, I can confirm your brain stops working.  How do I know this?  Because, when you get to the green, you walk 20 yards from the cart to your ball that’s 10 feet off the green (after 4 shots), chip it onto the green, then walk all the way back to the cart to get your putter, then walk back to the green so you can promptly 3-putt (that last one was good) your way to a solid opening hole 8.  Play smarter, not harder.

The Oblivious:

Guess what, the later in the day it gets, the longer your shadow is.  Guess what else?  Get that shadow the hell out of my line.  Maybe it doesn’t bother you, but it bothers me.  If I wanted to deal with shadows, I’d hit my shots into the trees like you do.  Stepping in my line again?  I can forgive that once, because I understand reading a green is a foreign concept to you.  Rumor has it, that the slope of a green can affect the direction a ball rolls on the green, so, contrary to every putt you’ve ever hit in your life, they’re not all straight.  Stay the hell out of my line.  If you’re not sure, ask.  I won’t get mad, in fact, I’ll be happy you’re trying.  And after you figure out what my line is, how about using a coin to mark your ball.  Not a tee, not the little button from your golf glove (that you wear while putting), not a fucking poker chip, a coin.  You won’t lose it.  Unless it’s the size and texture of a blade of grass (most countries use some type of metal for coins), you’re not going to lose it.  With that covered, when I ask you to move your mark, don’t toss your entire putter on the ground and move your mark 3 feet the other direction.  Try the head of your putter, use an object in the distance as a reference point, and move it 3 inches one direction.  I’ll remind you to move it back, I promise.  And while I’m putting, feel free to answer that phone call, drop your putter, talk, sneeze, cough, laugh, or anything else you want to do because really, you’re the only one on the golf course, specifically that hole, so do as you please.  It’s your world, I’m just living in it.  Hey, don’t forget to move that mark back.

The Under-Achiever:

Go ahead, throw that club.  It’s the clubs fault, you did nothing wrong.  Your flawless golf swing and impeccable ball striking ability was hampered by that 6 iron getting in the way.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!  HOW DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!?!  I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!  Sure.  I bet.  You’re not good, you’re not just having a bad day,  just stop.  I can tell by watching you swing the club, you’re not fooling me.  Ty Webb, of Caddyshack fame, said it best – “You’re not, you’re not good Al.  You stink.”  If you think you’re good enough to get mad about being bad, you should be playing for money.  Not a $5 nassau using your 12 handicap strokes, money that you use to pay your damned bills with.  You hit 1 reasonably good shot out of the 110 you had that day, you’re really gonna be surprised when 109 of those shots don’t get hit how you had drawn up in your head?  Get over it.  You complaining, explaining what you were TRYING to do with that shot, and being angry it didn’t come off as you wanted isn’t going to impress me.  In fact, it’s going to make me consider driving the cart into the nearest pond, after I tie your leg to the floorboard, of course.

The Parent:

I’m all for parents getting involved in their kids lives, especially on a golf course.  Golf is first and foremost a game, meant to be played and enjoyed by people of all ages.  Go walk a few holes with your kid, carry some kid clubs in your bag, let him or her swing at the ball till they’re tired of it.  Laugh with them, encourage them, let them know you’re proud of them.  It was fun when we were kids, why not create new and great memories with your child on the golf course.  I’ve spent years teaching groups of grade school kids the game of golf.  The most important part, I’ve found, is encouraging them when they make good contact with the ball, and their eyes light up when they realize what they’ve just done.  Most kids don’t swear, but the reaction I see is “holy shit, what the hell, I just bashed the living shit out of that ball!!”  I don’t see a lot of parent/child interaction on the golf course, but I see way too much of it on the driving range.  I recently was at the tail end of a lengthy practice session, about an hour before dark, when a dad and son walked up to the range to his some balls.  The kid wasn’t very old, couldn’t have been more than 7 years old.  “Great,” I thought to myself, “The dad is gonna let the kid hit some balls into the setting sun, just to see them fly.”  Wow, was I wrong.  For an hour, the father berated that child for not hitting perfect shot after perfect shot.  Shots that I considered well struck for a 7-year-old weren’t anywhere close to good enough for the father.  The last place that kid wanted to be, as it got very close to dark, was on that driving range being told the things he needed to do better.  Pushing your kid to be good at golf isn’t going to negate that fact that you never lived up to your perceived potential.  At the end of the day, for everyone but that kid that night, it’s still a game.

What’s the point of this rant?  Well, nothing really.  The game of golf I’m obsessed with, the game that consumes my life, the game that is my escape from the world, is increasingly invaded by morons.  I’m not saying I’m perfect, because everyone knows that can never be true.  I have my quirks and annoying habits, and those most likely aren’t going anywhere.  I like to think that those idiosyncrasies don’t show up on the golf course, and if they do, I keep them to myself.  But, chances are, I annoy you, and I’m adult enough to admit it.  After all, it’s your world, and I’m just living in it.  Take notes, someday perhaps you can use me for inspiration for an angry golf blog post.

*Editor’s note: Wow, Levi, didn’t take you long to use your new outlet for an indulgent rant. You truly are a blogger now. :)

Next post.

Hello. My Name is Levi, and I’m an Addict.

Editor’s Note: I’m excited to announce the introduction of guest bloggers to The Golf Chick Golf Blog! This is the inaugural post, and I’m happy to present Levi Slings as our first alternate perspective. I love his first entry and am eager to have him start sharing even more of his thoughts here with us! Welcome, Levi, and thank you! 

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEVI!

_________________________________________

I feel as though I should be sitting in a semi-circle, eating stale doughnuts, sipping on burnt lukewarm coffee, and staring at my shoes while I write this. Hello. My name is Levi and I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to the highs, I despise the lows. When the high wears off, I do everything imaginable, and some things once unthinkable, to regain those highs. I have no one to blame but myself. Golf has consumed my life. Hello. My name is Levi, and I’m an addict.

Let me introduce myself, hopefully that will put my addiction in perspective. I’m a 30 year old single guy, scratch golfer, hopelessly in love with the game of golf. I play competitively, (well, I enter tournaments anyway) and no matter the embarrassment and pain, I keep entering, and I keep fighting to make cuts. I’m addicted to what could be. I’m an amateur golfer, which means I play for pride and pride only. How I have any pride left is beyond me. I grew up playing golf, a father who ran a golf course, and a mother who was happy to let that course be my babysitter. I learned the game on the fly. I’ve never had a formal lesson, as a child of the course, I had 2 goals… play as many holes as I could each day, and get the ball into the hole in as few shots as possible. Looking back, this is where it all went wrong. Ask me today what I’d like to spend each and every day doing, my answer will be the same. As many holes as I can play in as few shots as possible. Hello. My name is Levi, and I’m an addict.

The game of golf has destroyed my body, my relationships, and any other activity that threatened to become a hobby. I own a fishing pole, a tennis racket, a motorcycle, hell, I even own a lawnmower. Ask me when I last used any of those things? Nice enough outside to fish…nice enough to golf. I’d go for a motorcycle ride, but what if I come across a golf course I’ve never seen, and want to play it? It takes 30 minutes to mow my yard…how many practice putts can I make in a half hour? For the past 6 years, I endured crippling lower back pain, especially during golf. Did this ever stop me? Hell no. Last October I finally underwent surgery, and while it was an overwhelming success, it allowed me to play unlimited pain-free golf again. So was it really a success? Hello. My name is Levi, and I’m an addict.

Levi Slings GolfI’m not one to brag, I certainly don’t feel worthy of the attention. But, for perspective, in the past week, my scores have ranged from 67 to 83, on the same damned par 72 golf course. Unfortunately, both ends of that spectrum make me want to play more. What the hell is wrong with me? A few weeks ago, I even attempted to go on a date. It was planned that I’d pick her up at 7pm. That left me just enough time to play a few holes at my club. Birdie. Par. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Oh crap… I’m 4 under thru 5, and I’ve gotta pick this girl up in a little while. I figured I could get through 6 holes and have to leave. Then, the Golf Gods smiled on me. I got a text saying she was running late; let’s plan for 7:30. I’VE GOT TIME FOR MORE GOLF!!! Par. Birdie. -5 thru 7. I’ve never shot in the 20s, and 29 was in sight. 2 years ago, I played with a buddy who shot 30-32 to set the course record. That’s some rarified air, and I was bumping up against that ceiling. I played my heart out, but could only muster 2 pars coming in, for a 5 under par 31. In an extremely uncharacteristic moment of clarity, I never once considered playing the back 9 to go for that course record, because I had a date. My focus certainly wasn’t on the date later that night. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date, and I’ll have to live with that regret the rest of my life. Regret that I didn’t put enough effort into that date to see what could have been? Hell no. Regret that I didn’t ditch her ass and play the back 9. Hello. My name is Levi, and I’m an addict.

My weekly playing partners range from multiple time Tour winners, fledgling pros, nationally ranked amateurs, guys like me chasing cuts, lifetime bogey golfers, guys who broke 100 once, beginners, and every possible iteration of golfers in between. Every single one of us is chasing the same thing, and for some reason, we never quit. We chase that little white ball around like our lives depend on it. Really, what are we chasing? Chasing the feeling of a perfectly executed shot? Chasing the reward of signing the card that proves our personal best round? Chasing happiness, clarity, diversion, solitude, anger, confusion, stress, or joy? I, for one, am chasing every single one of those things. I’m guessing we all are. I’m going to keep playing, keep entering tournaments, keep risking embarrassment, keep chasing those feelings…. at all costs. Hello. My name is Levi, and I’m an addict.

___________________________________

Another editor’s note: WELCOME, LEVI! Here’s your first day chip! We’re not anonymous, we are identified. We’ll talk about golf to anyone who will listen. We’re addicts and our golf tans are badges of honor. Happy to know you.

One shot at a time. Keep coming back!

 Golfers Identified first day chip

 

Next post. 

Golf is a Man. He Abuses Me, But I’m Staying With Him.

Golf must be a man, because he’s so frustrating! He pleases and punishes. Can’t live with him, can’t kill him. Just when I think we have one issue sorted out, another one arises. If golf wasn’t hard challenging, I wouldn’t be interested. As far as I know, there’s no shelter for abused golfers and besides, the way I’ve been playing, it seems more like I’m the abuser – but golf had it coming!

In my open letter to golf, I declared my love for him and many of the reasons I feel the way I do. It has been a torrid love affair since then. We’ve had our differences for sure, but there are few conditions that will keep me away from golf. I even appreciate a sloppy, wet round. When conditions aren’t ideal for going out, I always want them to be. I can’t think of a time I haven’t wanted to play golf or wished I could when I couldn’t! I recently experienced a new level of that obsession. Last weekend, I actually dreaded going out to play golf.  It wasn’t the weather, which couldn’t have been more perfect, and it wasn’t a personal distraction or some kind of illness or injury. It wasn’t a mandatory business round with some kind of douchebag, it was with friends whose company I really enjoy. No, the whole reason I was sour for the entire 24 hours leading up to my tee time was because I was incredibly disheartened due to my own ineptitude. Yet there was no way I wasn’t going. I was still absolutely compelled to get out there, like the true sadomasochist golf has made me.

flagellator

My newest golf training aid

State of the Union

For about a year now, I’ve been struggling with “The Process.” You know, the one when you make a swing change and nothing will ever be the same? I want to get better. The goal is to break 80. My scores ballooned and now I don’t remember the last time I even broke 90, and it’s a “good” day when I break 100. At first, I was okay with that – it was somewhat expected, though aggravating all the same. I had breakthroughs and saw improvement. I had hope. Even when I sucked or regressed, I was convinced I could power through and it would all be worth it. Then it became embarrassing. And infuriating. And counter-productive.  Bad thoughts didn’t just creep in, they infested my brain.

I’m keenly aware of the mental aspect of golf and understand these thoughts are debilitating and feed on themselves. Like any golfer, I have plenty of reasons/excuses why this is happening, like my focus being challenged with stresses and my patience being sapped by other aspects of my life. But I know that’s bullshit. I know what I’m capable of and I take pride in my ability to adjust my mindset and change my mind with authority. But this was brutal. I was in a golfer’s shame spiral.

The last few times I’ve played, I’ve managed to hit a few shots that were decent enough to allow me to cling to hope. On the range, it’s been a different story. Perhaps it’s because the good shots don’t really show results, but they became fewer and fewer until I could barely hit a ball at all. Topping it, shanking it, yanking it, worm burning it, spraying it every which way — everything but even the hint of good contact with my irons. After all that work! I went to the course on Saturday with the intention of playing 18 if I could hit a few good shots on the range. I couldn’t. It was a complete nightmare. It finally came crashing down to destroy me mentally.

I have never felt less athletic or more uncoordinated in my life. Humiliated, defeated, and utterly disheartened, I was actually a little nervous at the thought of lifting my bag and carrying it to my car, in case this palsy would affect my ability to walk as well. I managed to make the walk of shame without falling or freezing up and drove home holding back tears. I know – there’s no crying in golf! But that’s how much it means to me.

Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?

This is where the dread comes in. I had agreed to join my friends the next day for a Sunday Funday round. Though we never mentioned it, we all knew we would also be practicing for our club matches at the same course the following weekend. After feeling like I hit rock bottom (that better be the lowest!), I planned to arrive early enough to give myself a nice, unrushed hour of time on the range, with highest hopes of sucking less, and lowest pathetic goal of just making solid contact a few times to boost my spirits so I could be a fun golfer for my friends. I left home with enough time to carry out that plan, but an overturned semi on the freeway shutting down all lanes had a better idea for me.

Best Laid… Plans

After taking a back way through a winding canyon, I made it to the course right at tee time, checked in & raced to the tee just as my friends finished their drives. So, with nothing but the practice swing of my drive routine, I started my round. Decent drive, just off the fairway to the right, about 150 uphill left to the flag. With an easy swing I made the green with my next shot and two putted for par. What. The. Fuck. It was as though I forgot that I couldn’t play golf. The rest of the round had its ups and downs, much like a normal golf round, not a disastrous one. I made some really good shots, several hard pulls (which had been my primary miss until I started not making contact), and some irritating short game shots including at least 4 3-putts, but was more than pleased with my round of 92.

On the last four holes, I hit three great drives up the middle and 4 solid shots onto the greens. I really felt like I had something figured out on those iron shots. When the round was over, all I wanted to do was go hit another golf ball, and another one after that, but Sir Vito was waiting for me.

We Can Work It Out

I am encouraged, and am holding onto these positive feelings! In case I’m stupid enough to start thinking again, I hope that the simple swing thought I used on those last four holes continues to be effective. Sometimes I can successfully fake my brain out like I’m too naive to the game to understand what’s happening but I think it’s time I give up that tactic. I’m not falling for my own shit anymore. Golf is a man. He tries to act like he doesn’t care about me but I know he doesn’t want me to leave him. Now we’re both mature enough to know that if we want it to be, and I’m patient enough, this partnership will be amazing. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.

Golf can be an asshole, but I’m in love. And I’m not going anywhere.

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Happy Valentine’s Day to My True Love

Filed under in case you never saw it, I thought today was a good day to republish this piece I wrote that originally published in Jackson Hole Golfer Magazine: “An Open Love Letter to Golf.”

Jackson Hole Golfer letterMy dearest Golf,

These last four years we have spent together have been amazing. I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but even when we struggle, I remain confident that we’re made for each other. I know you have had people leave you, but no matter how you frustrate me, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk away. I watch as your other lovers come and go (and return again) and I want you to know that I fully support and even encourage you to flirt with, seduce, and stimulate as many people as possible. It’s only right that I share what you have to offer with the world, so I will now express the reasons I endeavor to be with you as much as possible

Things I love about you

I love our open relationship. When I’m feeling intimate, I can have you all to myself. I can bring along a trio of friends and you’re always willing. You even introduce me to new and passionate partners I wouldn’t have otherwise met.

I love how you keep challenging me. Every time I’m with you, I learn something new about you. You’re always making me try out new positions and putting me in situations that make me use my equipment in interesting ways. From sandy lies to punch shots to controlled strokes or a full swing, you keep my interest fresh and keen from the first hole to the last every time.

I love the places we go. You have taken me all across the country and beyond, showing me gorgeous locations along the way. I have savored serene landscapes and seascapes I would never have known but for you. Along with our numerous public exhibitions, we have shared moments in romantic settings and private getaways from the mountains to the beaches and everywhere in between. The familiarity and comfort of home will always be there but I know as long as I live you will never run out of new destinations for us to share.

I love the way you keep me coming back for more. With you, I know things will never get stale. We never play a round quite the same way twice. When I have an off day or I’m feeling down about my performance, you always find just the right way to encourage me, from your bad boy act of kicking me while I’m down and making me want to prove something to reminding me just how great a pure shot feels. Each time we’re together, there’s always the opportunity to score better than the last, or even reach a new personal best. No matter how long we’re together or how good I get, that will always be the case. You also know just how to tease me. You penalize me for going out of bounds but I know you secretly enjoy it. The way you taunt me with possibilities is an exhilarating turn-on. After 15 holes of bliss and I feel I’m on the brink of something extraordinary, you throw me off course and make me endure a few extra strokes before I finish, knowing I’ll try that much harder next time. You even indulged my fantasy of holing out with a single stroke. I remember it well. Back when I’d only known you for 6 months, you gave me that thrill not once, but twice in the same week. Some people spend their whole relationship with you without ever having that pleasure. How do you choose who to favor with that luck, you devilish lothario? I feel special to be in such an elite group and no matter what happens we’ll always have that between us.

Dear Golf, thank you for understanding and even promoting obsession rather than seeking a restraining order. You have many more qualities that fuel my passion, but I’ll just leave you with one final thought: I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t love your gear.

Forever yours,

Kristen

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