I recently played in a foursome with three men. Okay, I do that a lot, but most of the time, the men I play with are civilized. I doubt it’s just because I’m there, either. I bet they’re the kind of men who actually prefer to use restrooms on the golf course. Occasionally, though, I witness the guy who prefers to “give back to nature.” In most cases, I think it must be a preference and not a necessity. I’ll accept that occasionally someone might drink one too many beers to make the excruciating wait for a couple of holes until we reach the next restroom. No, I won’t. If you’ve been potty trained, and chances are, if you’re playing on a big boy golf course with 18 holes with fairways and everything, you have, you are grown-up enough to anticipate this type of need and plan for it.
So, when I saw it happen on the ninth hole, I politely and good naturedly mentioned that there is a restroom at the clubhouse immediately following this hole. Maybe the good natured part was too much and he assumed I was joking. Either way, I would have thought I wouldn’t have had to be less subtle to get the point across that he really should be using the supplied restrooms like the rest of us. Then, the same guy relieves himself near the tenth tee box. Maybe my comment brought out the bratty five year old in him and that was an obstinate gesture? He seemed pretty oblivious so I tend to think that he simply chose not to exhibit any class, if he had any to begin with. This time, someone else in the foursome made a comment to me about it so that the “offender” could hear it, and I made my response directly to the Urinator. He managed to forecast correctly the rest of the round and used the restrooms, so I know it wasn’t some kind of bladder problem.
Since other men seem to be offended by such crude behavior, I don’t think this is a case of men feeling “restricted” by women on the course. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the whole idea behind men’s-only clubs is so they can burp, fart and wave their penises around as they urinate all over the course. Then, right before they turn on the cameras at Augusta, their mothers come along, straighten up their collars and tidy up their hair and faces with a little spit on the thumb and everyone’s on their best behavior. Maybe that’s the big secret men’s-club thing and I just don’t know the handshake.
I know someone’s going to read this and surmise that I have “penis envy.” Personally, I think that is more of a phenomenon amongst current penis owners and their feelings of inadequacy. However, I will admit that it does upset me that my lack of a penis earns me about 25% less salary than my male counterparts in my current professional position. Other than that, I can assure you that the only desire I have for a penis requires its attachment to my man. But I digress.
Golf is supposed to be such a civilized sport. We wear nice clothes, observe proper etiquette and obscure rules, and follow the honor system with scoring. It seems to me that using the provided restrooms would be at the very basic level of that etiquette system. Or doesn’t it count unless it is written in some golf-specific etiquette book? You can look up any kind of golf etiquette question on the internet and get detailed descriptions of how to tend the flagstick, or even what is proper tipping in the restrooms of the fancier clubs. Tipping in the restrooms? Relax. If you’re still struggling with whether or not to use the restroom, you’re probably not on a course that would have an attendant in there anyway. Probably the reason this isn’t on any etiquette list is that if you know how to read, it’s expected that you’re already following this simple standard. I guess that means posting a sign would be useless as well.